Reyes Gibbs Blog

My Mental Health at the Eye Doctor

I am staring at this screen using dark glasses because I just got back from my optometrist appointment.   It's been over six hours and I still can't take the dark glasses off.  The dilating of my eyes, I can deal with but those other tests drive me crazy.

I think that the tests optometrists give are to determine whether or not I am paranoid schizoprhenic.  Here's why:

When measuring my eyesight, I am put behind these huge blinder things.   He tells me to put my forehead on the provided area.   I know that most machinery is built for folks with bigger noses or at least noses that protrude because my face ends up being flat up against the eyepieces and I end up fogging up the lenses.    So he sets me up with the right lenses and proceeds to test my mental capacity by putting a lens in front me me and making me read tiny letters.  This isn't the test.  The test is when he starts changing the lenses and saying, Which is better? No. 1 or No. 2 -He's moving the lenses back and forth.   So I say its about the same.  Then he says, okay as he changes the lenses again,  No. 1 or No. 2, I say No. 1, then he changes the lenses and says 1 or 2,  I say 2 is clearer, then he switches and says No. 2 or 3, all the while changing  the lenses making me wonder if there is a plan or a trick to all this, after five minutes of this (the test lasted longer than five mnutes!) I'm ready to say that I'm cured!!!!  Okay so I must have said the right number combination and he walks me down the hall to another test.

He says this test checks my peripheral vision.  Many of you have done this but in case you are reading this and don't know what I'm talking about, this test puts your head in a bowl shaped disc thingy, they place a handle with a button on the top, in our hand and then tell you to focus on the red light in the center and whenever you see a flashing green light, press the button.  When you do this, a machine next to the bowl shaped disc thingy  charts your moves making a sound reminiscent of iBM punch cards (okay some of you have no idea what I am talkiing about)  Okay so this test seemed simple enough.  Until you are seeing the lights go off and you aren't coordinated to see the light and press the button all at the same time.   I am that uncoordinated one   I needed practice.  I was intense.  I saw a green light. I pressed the button.  But having your head in a bowl shaped disc thingy by yourself can make your imagination start to say "maybe the lights flashed and I missed it, I must be going blind."  or "I better press the button now because the lights must have flashed "  then I'd tell myself stop thinking and press the damn button.   At any rate, I was a mess!    Red lights, green lights,pressing the button and the sound of a machine keeping track of my "mistakes" made me want to run, bolt out of that room and say, "I give up!"  I won't look out the sides of my eyes anymore and I'll swear I don't have eye in the back of my head!

So between the "Is it No 1 or No. 2, No 2 or No. 3, No. 3 or No.2, or No. 2 or No. 1." and the Eye Hand coordination or lack of coordination test - I have decided these tests are about your mental capacity  using the guise of eye exams.   

All that and I don't need a new pair of glasses!#@!! But I am wondering about my mental health?  Did I hear you say something?

A View in the City

Right now I am sitting on the front porch of my son's home in San Francisco.   Its got a great view of the elementary school, the park across the street and the corner liquor store.  I've been able to see  couple of cars creep through the four-way stop sign and the satisfaction of watching a police car pull them over.   Its been  a busy 20 minutes.  Bruce's street is a very busy street with all the shades of folks, different languages, school buses, police cars, postal trucks.  I know that for many this wouldn't be a fun place to live.  The neighborhood has a history of drug dealings, shootings and murders.   YIKES!!! and I'm on the front porch, there are hundreds of blocks like this in the city and people have to live there and they make the best of living here and for most to make it a better place.   Houses in the community are being worked on, the City is doing major remodeling and work in the park across the street, and the police department is working well with the folks who want them here.  And now there is a very dainty hummingbird in the lavender bush.   I see hope here. 

Just sitting here I have met a "Lolo" (Filipino for grandfather) going to the neighborhood school picking up his nine year old granddaughter.   He saw me sitting on the porch, said hello, and then asked the question that I knew he would ask, "Are you Filpina?" Immediately, said yes but told him I didn't speak the langauge.And as always, I begin my rehearsed dialogue, "My parents wanted me to be American and stopped speaking to me when I was four years old."    We proceeded to talk over the fence as he shared he had seven grandchildren and he takes care of three of them after school. He told me where he lived and how long he's lived in the neighborhood.  He said he liked to watch the plants in Bruce's yard bloom. He showed me his walker that his son "makes" him take when he goes outside.   Then on the way back, his granddaughter was using the walker. I yelled at them and said, "lolo needs that walker."    They stopped again, I met his granddaughter who is nine, we talked about Bruce's plants in the front yard and wished each other a "good day."   

I think that in a large city  like San Francisco folks are looking for community through something that they can share, perhaps values, cultures, race, or children.   In the Suburbs, we believe we have community but I haven't spoken to a neighbor in months and I don't know my neighbor's names.  I do watch their cars move.  The only time I am in my front yard is when my granddaughters come and play in the front rocks.  And sitting on my front porch doesn't provide me with a view of life that the city provides. The view in San Leandro should remnd me that being comfortable and picking where you can live is a privilege  A privilege not all have.

A girl and her toys!

I love being a lola.   I have four wonderful granddaughters and their parents are pretty cool too!   I am always in awe with all the  new contraptions the new babies have.   With the three older granddaughters,  it was the portable high chair and the collapsible stroller that you can do with one hand (I never could).  With our newest one, Ava, she has more toys designed for different things  that I could never have  imagined.   There is the "bumbo" seat that is a soft plastic chair that she sits right into and keeps her in place.  We go out and we put the bumbo seat on the table and she sits there as content as can be.  THEN there is her new teething instrument, "A raspberry."  When I commented to my daughter about the raspberry, her response was, "Its rated in the top ten of teething...."  I think her fingers should be rated No. 1 as the best teething toy!      Her other toys require to move herself around in a circle.  In my day, one of the toys was called a walker.  The walker is now this standing up thing, toys surround the baby  and the seat moves around as she grabs one of the toys.    Her other toy is a ladybug she  lays on  and pushes herself around in a circle as she grabs for toys.     She's her own "lazy susan" on the floor mat.  Talk about early training in "going in circles!"   I opened up her diaper bag and she has her own little "cosmetic bag" with a thermometer, nail clippers, emery boards, and a suction thing.   She is a very well equipped baby.  But the most important toys she has are her lolo, lola, aunties and cousins, who knows, "she's the best."  At four-months old, Ava's got the toys!!!

Worship - A Noun or a Verb?

Yesterday was the second Sunday in a series of seven focused on the future of Bethel.   All the Sundays are planned around provocative questions (see previous post).  This Sunday the questions were:  What is worship?  What does worship look like?   Does worship have a feel?  If yes, what kind.  If no, should it   How does or should Worship sound?   What is the goal of worship?    We answered these questions along with many others about preferences for worship, what happens in worship and where to worship in a survey given to everyone who came on Sunday.   There was about 20 minutes for the folks to answer the questions and then to share their answers with their neighbor.   

One parishioner raised the question, "Are we talking about worship as a verb or a noun?"   I responded by telling her to answer the questions the way she thought most appropriate.   I hadn't thought about it much, do I look at worship as a thing or an action - What we do in worship(the service in the church) and how worship changes us (action to change and work for justice)?   I think for most folks its "both and."    I am reading The Dangerous Act of Worship - Liviing God's Call to Justice by Mark Labberton.   I have just started this book and it has raised alot of questions for me about worship.     Mark points out that one of the goals of worship is to move folks "to embody God's righteousness and merciful justice."  I want that!  I always want folks to come up to me after a sermon and ask, "What should I do?' instead of "nice sermon!"  (See Acts 2:37) I plan my sermons asking God "what should I do" in hopes that I could get folks to ask God the same question.   For me worship is a verb -  I worship -you/he/she worships-we worship!   

Sunday's scripture was Isaiah 1:11-17.  After reading this together, they got the message of what God expects from worship which is, "learn to do good; seek justice, rescue the oppressed, defend the orphan, plead for the widow."    The survey made them think and they got the message in a different way. I like this response to the question, "What is Worship?"  Response:  "A group of people feeding off each other to live a Christ-like life"  This brought all kinds of images to my mind!

 

Next feeding?  Next Sunday  - The Question:  What should Bethel do?

Another Wall!!!!

In the New York Times this morning, "U.S. Erects Baghdad Wall to keep Sects Apart," by Edward Wong and David S. Cloud.   What?   Another wall!   This is supposedly a stragegy to keep the Sunni and Shiite neighborhoods apart to stop the violence between them.  Here are some quotes from that article.

Soldiers in the Adhamiya district of northern Baghdad, a Sunni Arab stronghold, began construction of the wall last week and expect to finish it within a month. Iraqi Army soldiers would then control movement through a few checkpoints. The wall has already drawn intense criticism from residents of the neighborhood, who say that it will increase sectarian tensions and that it is part of a plan by the Shiite-led Iraqi government to box in the minority Sunnis.

A doctor in Adhamiya, Abu Hassan, said the wall would transform the residents into caged animals.

“It’s unbelievable that they treat us in such an inhumane manner,” he said in a telephone interview. “They’re trying to isolate us from other parts of Baghdad. The hatred will be much greater between the two sects.”

The American military said in a written statement that “the wall is one of the centerpieces of a new strategy by coalition and Iraqi forces to break the cycle of sectarian violence.”

"One of the centerpieces," a wall?   A centerpiece for me means something that adds or helps me focus on a table or event.   So I suppose that everytime a Shiite or a Sunni sees the wall, it will add to their frustration, hate, anxiety, and sense of hopelessness.   

In diversity training and anti-racism workshops, the desmanteling of walls is the beginning of understanding and appreciation for the other.     Now we have a "fence" at our borders, a wall in the Gaza, Gated communities to keep out those who don't belong, faiths that determine who belongs, individuals who build walls that there is no hope for escape from pain, loneliness, illness... If we can't work to break down walls, how can peace, reconciliation and wholeness come about? 

This is the  hard question.   It is much easer to build a wall.  We all do it!  It is too difficult  to deal with the systemic issues of war, violence, and dysfunctional decisonmaking.   We could start individually with ourselves.   When I speak to folks on relational matters and ask, "Have you shared this with your partner?"  The answer is "No, because he/she wouldn't understand" or "No, he/she should have known better."  The building of walls to protect our own minds, hearts and souls is commonplace so why should countries be any different.     The only way I know to tear down these walls is to commmunicate and work really hard at appreciating and understanding the other.  This really sound like too much work!   So it's probably better we build a wall!   

I pray that those who build walls in their own lives, in neighborhoods, communities, and countries remember that God requires them to "seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly with our God."
Pray with me!

Provocative Questions

Bethel is discerning its future by using provocative questions in its worship services.

Provocative: Tending to Provoke; Stimulating.
Provoke:  1. to cause anger, resentment, or deep feeling in.
                   2. To cause to take action.

We are using provocative questions so folks will react and respond.   The great thing about this is that we are doing this discerning together in worship.   The process group decided that having a workshop or gathering after church or on a weekend would not get all the voices necessary in the conversation about Bethel's future.  So in worship we have a "captive" audience.  So on the Sunday after Easter, we started asking questions about Bethel's future.   The sermon is the congregation's conversation around the questions.  Each Sunday the conversations are focused on scripture as well as the questions.  On some Sundays the conversations will be in small groups, other Sundays a talk back sermon, or completing  a survey with their pew-mate.  As we go through this process we are using the symbol of the "Tower of Babel" built from shoeboxes.   Each Sunday there will be a hint of a provocative question or the question on the tower as well as comments.     From the Sunday  conversations we add more bricks. On Pentecost we are going to knock the tower down and begin working on the ideas and suggestions that come up for Bethel's future.

Last Sunday we added more "bricks," noting the answers and more questions:  What is Bethel willing to change to be more attractive (not the building) its people, service, faith, beliefs?  Why can't we build the pastor an apartment on our extra property next to the church and sell the manse? 

Every Sunday we will add new questions and comments.  Over the next few weeks, we will be asking the following types of questions:

How would Bethel Church respond if Pastor Sarah announced on a Sunday morning that she was an atheist?  What would Jesus say about how we should spend our Sunday mornings  feeding the homeless or having a church service (assuming that we only have enough time to do one or the other)? Why can't we be a church without walls and worship in different places every Sunday?  To make money for the church, why don’t we consider using the rooms for a strip mall?I like to worship in our sanctuary and with our pastors, why can we just give more? Why don’t we go back to the suggestion that we use part of our property for senior low-income house? Why don’t we sell our buildings and merge or nest in another church?  Do we need two pastors?  If we really want the church to be here for another generation, how many folks are willing to leave the church something in their will?  If you had to remove one word for th church’s name (Bethel Community Presbyterian Church), which one would it be and why?“ I don’t know why I have to take on the burden of the church’s financial problems. If my favorite restaurant is about to go out of business, I wouldn’t offer to pay more for my meals.  I would just have to find a new restaurant when it closed.  ”“We need new scriptures.  Why can’t we read excerpts from books by like Dr. Laura or Dr. Phil – something more relevant to today’s world?” “I would be just as happy meeting with everyone from church down at Dick’s Restaurant on Sunday morning for brunch as I would being in a church service.” Why don’t we do that instead of worship on Sunday.  If you won a million dollars in the lottery (net), how much of it would you give (if any), and how would you stipulate its use?   

The questions are part of the first of three phases in discerning the future of Bethel.  We first have to determine who we are by beginning the conversations with provocative questions.  The next phase will be to explore who we could be? and the final phase will be defining what will be.    This is going to be an exciting adventure.  Any questions?

What does one say?

The last few days have been filled with "what ifs?," grieving, mourning, and anger.   I can't watch the television anymore and I avoid the front page.  I am oversaturated with the "news" and the media's spin on all of this.    There aren't the right words to say or share.   At Bible Study last night , we put prayers in our prayer box that is placed in our tower in the sanctuary.   We did this as a response to a story from Anne Lamott's new book, Grace Eventually entitled "Wailing Wall."     As we wrote out the prayers, we lifted up the names of people in our congregaton and the events surrounding us.  Kind of letting go and letting God! It may seem hokey but for me it helped.   In times of tragedies, we have all kinds of mixed feelings.  In the wake of the Virginia Tech deaths, I am at loss for words.   So I write the prayer down and let God. I was asked, "what do you say when tragedy strikes?"   The Moderator of the National Korean Presbyterian Council, Rev. Choi of Alameda Korean Presbyterian Church sent a letter to the President of Virginia Tech sharing the condolences and heartache of the council because the shooter was Korean.    A copy of the letter is on Bruce's Blog @ reyes-chow.com.    With that letter, he sent the following note,

Would you join the NKPC’s executive committee to call a vigil service or prayer meeting in your church on Wed. evening or even during the Sunday worship service to remember the victims and to pray for the healing?  It is heart breaking that the person who killed the students is our fellow Korean who apparently had emotional problem during his young life.  It also presents a great challenge for our believing community to reach out young people who are lost.  This is a wake-up call for the whole Korean community.

When I got the letter, I wanted to scream!  It's not a wake up call for the "whole Korean Community."  It is  a wake up call in a series of wake up calls for this nation!!!   We obsess over tragedies that happen in numbers, depending on who it is and why!   Yes, the shooter was Asian.   I am praying that this incident does not stereotype all Asians as having the propensity for this type of violence.   People are sick!  All colors, sizes and shapes!  The shooter was mentally ill.  The embarrasment and apologies should come from our governments, politicians, and others who believe that mental illness is not serious enough to back with dollars, facilities, personnel, and a strong network of resources to meet the needs of those suffering form the myriad of mental illnesses.    We will spend billions to fight terrorists here and abroad.   Our actions to "protect" our nation has cuased thousands of deaths, our own and those of whom we try to protect.   Just yesterday, 200 Iraq Shiites were killed!  Is this another "wake up call" for us!   Flags are half-mast, I haven't heard of a major death other than Virigina Tech so I am assuming they are at half-mast for the lives lost.  Shouldn't we fly them half-mast when a solider dies because he or she followed the orders of our Commander-in-Chief? If we did the flag would be half-mast for years.  Mental illness and violence is a bad combination.  But it will continue.  Violence will continue to pervade our culture and society and until we stop using violence to supposedly spread "democracy and peace." Mental Illness is a sickness and until we as a nation recognize the need for more resources the tragedies will continue.     This Sunday Bethel will have a prayer vigil during worship for lives lost in violence and prayers that one day we will WAKE UP!!!

 

Symbols of Faith continued!

It's a week and a half since Easter.   Bethel still has its Easter Flower Cross up!  I know I should ask someone to take it down but for some reason, I'm waiting for someone to notice enough to take it down.  I also think its a good symbol of the place where we are. We get excited about a project and then the follow-through is lacking.   This Easter Cross has been a tradition for Bethel for many years!   People would bring their garden flowers on Easter Sunday morning to dress the cross.   It was seen as symbol of new life, spring and celebration.   As the years went by and the folks who started it died, a new generation took over the tradition.  And so on Easter morning there is still much ado about dressing the cross.  But 10 days later, there it stands.  A reminder of a place that is   tired, dried out, no significance?   Some Sundays I go home and feel just like this cross.   But Sunday always comes!  Maybe the congregation really believed me when I said, "Easter is every Sunday!" I didn't mean for the Easter Cross to become part of our regular faith symbol on Sunday.   In one of my  posts, I shared that the big wooden cross in the sanctuary  was moved.  This last Sunday, a screen was put up.  This started our first Sunday using powerpoint for the next seven Sundays and beyond.  We had tried showing powerpoint in the sanctuary before but the sanctauary was too bright.  With the screen set back from the windows, folks can see the words.   So in front of us we have the cross, screen and table in full view.  Note that the screen is 10' wide and the table is 14' long.  We have a cross made out of rebar that my son, Kevin, made for me when I was installed at Bethel.   This cross sits on our communion table  And we have a very good soundsystem!  Are these symbols of faith?   For different generations, there are different symbols.  For my son, a rebar cross is cool!   For those wanting to see  the Gospel in clips of movies and get rid of bulletins, the screen is cool!   For those who want to hear the Gospel clearer and louder, the sound system is cool!   A generation ago wanted a 14' communion table, a wooden cross and pulpit to match as the major symbols of faith in the Sanctuary.  They still are but with the times, they been moved, used for different rituals, and have joined other symbols of faith helping to make the Gospel relevant for our time and space.  Okay, so now how about that Easter Cross?  Yes, for me every Sunday is Easter.   Maybe it's time for new flowers next Sunday... stay tuned.

Annie

In my previous post, I  forgot to put in a picture of my wise three year old, Analise "Annie." 

What is Important to You?

My grandaughters have wonderful perspectives when sharing their point of view. They keep me on my toes.  Most recently, Annie and I were having a great day of "spoiling" which included shopping, eating out, and buying lots of chocolate!   When I told her that we had important things to do and we had to  stop playing and  go home, she asked,"What important things?"  I responded. " We have to clean the house!"   Annie then said, "That's not important!"   I had to remind myself that I was talking to a three year old!   I asked her, "So what do you think is important?"   Her response.  "It is important that I practice my hula! That's important!" And unless we had something more important than hula, we shouldn't go home.  How could I argue, from her perspective hula far outweighs the importance of a clean house! Of course, Annie had no intentions of practicing her hula but that is beside the point.

Annie  reminded me of how I stress on the "important" things that need to get done and spend far too much time stressing.  I am thankful for my  wise three year old who reminds me of what's important!  So on to hula lessons!!!