My Mental Health at the Eye Doctor

I am staring at this screen using dark glasses because I just got back from my optometrist appointment.   It's been over six hours and I still can't take the dark glasses off.  The dilating of my eyes, I can deal with but those other tests drive me crazy.

I think that the tests optometrists give are to determine whether or not I am paranoid schizoprhenic.  Here's why:

When measuring my eyesight, I am put behind these huge blinder things.   He tells me to put my forehead on the provided area.   I know that most machinery is built for folks with bigger noses or at least noses that protrude because my face ends up being flat up against the eyepieces and I end up fogging up the lenses.    So he sets me up with the right lenses and proceeds to test my mental capacity by putting a lens in front me me and making me read tiny letters.  This isn't the test.  The test is when he starts changing the lenses and saying, Which is better? No. 1 or No. 2 -He's moving the lenses back and forth.   So I say its about the same.  Then he says, okay as he changes the lenses again,  No. 1 or No. 2, I say No. 1, then he changes the lenses and says 1 or 2,  I say 2 is clearer, then he switches and says No. 2 or 3, all the while changing  the lenses making me wonder if there is a plan or a trick to all this, after five minutes of this (the test lasted longer than five mnutes!) I'm ready to say that I'm cured!!!!  Okay so I must have said the right number combination and he walks me down the hall to another test.

He says this test checks my peripheral vision.  Many of you have done this but in case you are reading this and don't know what I'm talking about, this test puts your head in a bowl shaped disc thingy, they place a handle with a button on the top, in our hand and then tell you to focus on the red light in the center and whenever you see a flashing green light, press the button.  When you do this, a machine next to the bowl shaped disc thingy  charts your moves making a sound reminiscent of iBM punch cards (okay some of you have no idea what I am talkiing about)  Okay so this test seemed simple enough.  Until you are seeing the lights go off and you aren't coordinated to see the light and press the button all at the same time.   I am that uncoordinated one   I needed practice.  I was intense.  I saw a green light. I pressed the button.  But having your head in a bowl shaped disc thingy by yourself can make your imagination start to say "maybe the lights flashed and I missed it, I must be going blind."  or "I better press the button now because the lights must have flashed "  then I'd tell myself stop thinking and press the damn button.   At any rate, I was a mess!    Red lights, green lights,pressing the button and the sound of a machine keeping track of my "mistakes" made me want to run, bolt out of that room and say, "I give up!"  I won't look out the sides of my eyes anymore and I'll swear I don't have eye in the back of my head!

So between the "Is it No 1 or No. 2, No 2 or No. 3, No. 3 or No.2, or No. 2 or No. 1." and the Eye Hand coordination or lack of coordination test - I have decided these tests are about your mental capacity  using the guise of eye exams.   

All that and I don't need a new pair of glasses!#@!! But I am wondering about my mental health?  Did I hear you say something?

Comments

[lauren]

Now I know where I got my fear of optometrists from! Or my overachieving personality..? Or... my mental illness..?